


I Was Lost a Long Time Ago

by Es_Aitch



Series: Twelfth Doctor One Shots  Series 9 [6]
Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (1963), Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Gen, post-Face the Raven
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-25
Updated: 2015-11-25
Packaged: 2018-05-03 10:05:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5286581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Es_Aitch/pseuds/Es_Aitch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Introspection, Doctor's POV.</p>
<p>Spoilers for: "Face the Raven",  "The Dalek's Master Plan",  and "Earthshock"</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Was Lost a Long Time Ago

There was nothing he could do. Literally. Not one thing. He had said when he saved Ashildr, “I can do _anything_.”

He could bring back Ashildr, but as with everything in his life, he couldn’t save his closest companions. Some of his anger should have been directed at Clara, he knew that. But Clara did what she always did: tried to find another way. This time, it worked against her. Against both of them. He had to face losing another companion to death. There was nothing he could do.

Ashildr held the power to save Clara, no matter what she said. The Doctor knew how Quantum Shades worked. No matter what contract had been changed; she was the Shade’s mistress. That fact, more than anything is what stoked the fire of the Doctor’s rage.

Clara was out the door before he could stop her. But he wouldn’t chase her. She wouldn’t have wanted that. Still, he followed. So many times he had not been there for the Death Watch over his companions...

He had to stop his swirling thoughts and focus. Clara deserved this much.

So, this one time, he kept his Death Watch over Clara. Her scream was one more that he could add to the number that only he knew. A number that was so great, no one else could live long enough to count them. He stayed there until she had collapsed onto the ground. He nearly ran to her body, but what would be the point in that? If there was a ‘hereafter’, she was already there, no longer in the corpse that was sprawled in the street. And if there wasn’t? Well, she was dead. Nothing was left of her.

His thoughts turned to his own past. How many had it been, now? The companions who had died either for him or because of him? More than he cared to count – back to the beginning with Katarina. She had sacrificed herself to save him and perhaps all creatures in the Solar System. "Daughter of the Gods" was how he had promised to remember her. Then there was Adric. He had been the youngest of his companions to die…

No. He couldn’t do this now. Not after the Order that Clara had given him. If he went down that path, then there would be nothing to stop the “Oncoming Storm.”

He turned and walked back into Ashildr’s house. Hearing her voice, her apology again stoked the fire of his rage. The only thing that stayed his hand was seeing the grief on Rigsy’s features. Rigsy who had an infant at home, which he knew was the reason why Clara would so easily sacrifice herself. Lucy deserved to have a father and the Doctor would ensure that would happen. Thinking of Lucy crying drowned out the fire. Oh it was still there, the embers could easily be stoked back to life, but it calmed him. Made him stop to think.

Clara had been right: first crying child would be the end of it. Ironic. The infant who had cried in Ashildr’s village had motivated him to take action against the Mire. His decision to stay had made the child stop crying. Now the very thought of a child crying because of him would stay his hand.

He realised, that Ashildr had probably not understood Clara’s Order. And he needed her to understand. She needed to know that the only thing that was stopping him at this moment was that he would not disrespect Clara’s Memory mere moments after her death.

But, his warning was firm and he had nothing further to say to her.

When the teleport took him over, he wasn’t as ready as he thought. It was a strange feeling. Being suspended in time and space like that. He had time to think. Time to reflect. There were only so many species “they” could be. But that wasn’t what he was thinking about. He told Ashildr that he had been lost a long time ago. And that’s what he thought about.

Now, he was stuck in the teleport, somewhere between here and there. There was nowhere to run and for these brief few moments, the universe was safe from his wrath. He could keep to Clara’s Final Order and still do what he needed.

The sound was ripped from him before he had the chance to stop it. His scream was added to the chorus of screams that echoed in his head constantly. And for one blessed moment, when he stopped screaming, there was silence. It was as if all the other cries he was used to hearing were stunned that he would release such a cry of his own.

He could breathe for just that one moment. Without pain or terror or loss. Just… breathe. And for that one moment, the silence was what he needed.  It was in that silence that the truth came to him: Clara didn't die from compassion. She died because she tried to be clever. She died because she was certain there would be another way. Her hubris matched his own. Her compassion was in trying to save everyone else from _him_.

But she couldn’t stop there. No, not Clara. She went one step further and tried to save him from himself as well. Well, that was what she had always done. All the way back to when he had met her echo at the Dalek Asylum. Centuries ago. He had been a different man then, literally.

And just like that… the moment was over, he saw the light surrounding him again as he materialised…


End file.
